things i would say

i spend a lot of my time in silence. especially at work. even though i am surrounded by 6000 other people. odd one might think but it is seemingly a function of my particular group. my set of tasks. and perhaps my personality. and then i run. and when i even mildly adhering to my prescribed training schedule this can yield long periods of time when i am left with my own thoughts. this isn't to say that i don't speak to anyone. i attend meetings on occasion. exchange emails. i have fun filled exchanges with my son where i usually learn something new (or am at a minimum mildly entertained). and once in a while even have interactions that vaguely resembles something most people would consider a conversation. but much of the time i find myself thinking about all of the things i would say if i had someone to say them to. many of my closest friends live in far flung places. colorado. california. hawaii. wisconsin. new york. connecticut. others are only across the city. either way so many of the conversations i have with them are in my head. because i miss them. and i think about all the things i want to tell them. and then i run the risk of thinking i have had said conversations without ever really saying a word.

the past year has changed me in a number of ways. the more i have needed to say the less i have said. there were so many things i was so sure of and my footing felt so stable initially. but as i was forced to learn things weren't quite as simple as they appeared. and something within me - a small part of something deep inside that i can't really define - shifted in the first six months of the year. and shortly thereafter i turned thirty. nothing momentous in and of itself. but a turning point where i redefined what it was that i could still accomplish in 2009. and i ran. and thought. and became more introspective. all of which possibly made it more difficult for people to hear the things i wasn't really saying. or it might be because i wasn't actually saying them. and i'm still not. even though i should be. but the truth is i have a lot of things to say. a lot of thing that i would love to tell you. and maybe one day i will.